| I'm 21 finally. It really is as cool as it seems. I got to go out on my birthday and it was a lot of fun. I hope I get to go out again sometime soon. I'm just not really comfortable leaving my baby Lace. She has only been babysat one time ever and that was for my bday. I would really like to have a girls night or something and go out with my friends and leave Lacey with Chris for a few hours. I would feel a lot better doing that than him coming with me and leaving her with someone who may not know what to do if she were to wake up. She is very particular and really isn't a fan of the bottle. Last monday when we went out, I didn't even leave until I knew she was in bed for the night. She sleeps 12 hours through the night and has not woken up in the middle of the night since she was 2 months old. She didn't even know that we were gone that night. Yeah but anyway, a girls night would be awesome because I could be (almost) completely carefree leaving her with Chris.
Sorry for all the bitching, but xanga is such a good listener! Hahaha.  |
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| I feel just completely run down and I don't know why. I feel like I have no one to turn to. Friends just come and go, no one stays. I am very jealous when I see that people I know are going out and hanging out with friends. I don't have that. And no, things really haven't changed since I had Lacey, it just came more apparent. The person who was supposed to be my friend for the last 8 years just totally disappeared. She started fucking around with guys and I guess I came last. Our friendship meant nothing to her as long as she was getting male attention. After everything we had been through, I didn't understand that one bit. I always did everything I could for her and she gave me nothing back. I don't even hear from her anymore because she is with this new guy. He is the fakest person I have met in a long time, but she will realize this after it's too late. This is just one example of why I have so little faith in people. I can't name a single person who has been 100% loyal to me as a friend or anything. It just sucks to feel so lonely in this world. I really don't have any supportive family either. That's a different story though. Of course I have Chris and now Lacey. But is that really the only people that I will have by my side in the end? I do everything I can for my "friends" and I am very supportive and friendly and I get nothing but let down. Why do I deserve all of this hurt? Will it ever end? Can I ever just be purely happy and be surrounded by good people with the best of intentions? I don't know if this will ever happen, which sucks. Life is too short to be feeling this way at all. I just hurt inside all of the time and I don't want to. I hate this feeling... |
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| I guess I'm going to do a whole lot of bitching in this one. Relationships are really pissing me off. I pretty much know that I can't do without one because I am constantly in one for some reason. Men always have to be right and they always have to know everything. That really makes me mad because there are some things that I do know about. I try to be open minded to other people's opinions, but when it gets to the point of the person actually arguing with me about my opinion...that's too far. It really irritates me. And then that person wonders why I'm so angry or why I'm so bitchy "all of the sudden." Pfffffff. Also, there are times when I just want to be left alone. Who can blame me? I'm around people 24/7. Never a moment alone. So I'm trying to just chill out and watch TV for some me time. Then a certain person comes around me and I'm like 'Hey. I just want to be left alone right now...I'm just in one of my moods.' Then they freak out and get all mad because they took it personally. That drives me insane. I just want some fucking time to my goddamn self. Is that so much to ask? I do so much for everyone else. I always put everyone before myself. So when is it my turn? 
I just want to throw in there that I live on my own and pay for absolutely everything, yet I can't watch what I want on my TV and I can't listen to what I want in my car. Ridiculous, right? Everyone has to bitch about something. And of course it's a huge guilt trip until I feel bad enough to give in. I know that I'm a total pushover and I'm tired of it. It's kind of hard to change that because if I say something or just do what I want...then people will start to think I'm a bitch. So what do I do there? 
And on top of all this emotional anguish, I have horrible physical pain. Something is wrong with the bones in my back and shoulders. I'm not really meaning to complain but I thought I would get all of this off my back. {Laughs} Yep... |
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| Easter sucked. I feel sick. No one reads this anyway. |
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| Relationships are fucking confusing. I have no idea what to do. 
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